Personal update #2

So I thought I’d use this space to not only keep track of my fave beauty products, but also to write a bit about myself from time to time. As you may know, I decided to call in sick from work in January. I have been home ever since. This is what I wrote in January, here’s how I’m doing right now.

My first message was quite cryptic: I was busy at work = stressed out = I need some time. So to clarify things: I am not just sick. I am burned up and I guess I have been for a few months now. For the past 6 weeks I’ve been at home trying to wrap my head around things and getting my life back on track. Unfortunately for me, it’s not going as quickly as I’d liked or hoped when I decided to stay at home. Also, unfortunately, this isn’t my first time going through something like this, so I also know that that shouldn’t come as a surprise to me. The fact that it does, is frustrating to say the least.

For those of you that don’t know: I went through something similar 5 years ago. At that time, years of pushing myself too hard (on all fronts, not just one) and not listening to what I needed added up to this penultimate battle which I lost. I caught mono (Pfeiffer) and that caused me to crash completely. It was so bad that I had to move back in with my parents for almost 2 months because I was too exhausted to take care of myself. I worked on getting better and I did after roughly 6 months of soul searching and doctor’s appointments. I thought I’d done everything to prevent anything like that from happening again.

Enter last September. I had handed in my thesis just before summer which rounded off 3 years of doing a full time education alongside a 32 hour teaching job. To say I was happy with my 5 week summer break (teacher’s perk) would be an understatement. I took that time to recharge: met up with friends of family, but also spent plenty of time on my couch with a big stack of movies. By the time I got back to work in August I felt refreshed and ready to go. Then the semester started and 2 weeks after I had started teaching again I just knew I couldn’t take it anymore. I was teaching 3 days in a row from 9 to 5, pretty much back to back. I had too many (new) courses to teach and no time to prep them. I felt stuck and when I came home crying, I decided to notify my manager and call in sick for the rest of the week. I knew I wouldn’t last long if I’d continue like that and that’s what I told tried to make clear. Unfortunately, there were no replacements available so I was informed that I would have to sit it out until fall break 5 weeks later.

I was happy when fall break happened: I went to London and was all about getting my life back on track. For 7 weeks I spent all my time teaching, prepping or sleeping. I didn’t have the time or energy to do anything else. The only thing I held on to was dance class (but only after an hour long nap right after work). And come November I was trying to get my life back on track: I had started to work out again and have something that resembled a social life. Then I got the flu, the worst one I had had in years. After that I kept feeling tired and just as out of it as early September when I first stayed home. I went to see my doctor from work and we agreed I would work 50%. The thing is: Christmas break came about 2 weeks too late. I crashed after Christmas. And all I could think was: who am I kidding??? That’s what made me decide that I should stay at home.

Fast forward to now: I am still tired. I get headaches and feel dizzy when I do too much in a day. It takes a lot of time for me to get my day started. If I go too far on one day, it pretty much means I cannot do much of anything the next. And that’s just the beginning. I don’t want to bore you with what is ‘wrong’ with me. I want to focus on getting, doing and feeling better, because I know that I am far from reaching ultimate rock bottom. That was last time. This is now. So I try to keep going as best as I can. It’s why I keep this blog running. It gives my day some sort of purpose: to do something that requires some thinking but not so much that it stresses me out. I am also going to try to pick up some work things again, depending on what I can do. In the mean time, I am going to keep on working on trying to get better. I just have to figure out how.